It’s been a while. We looked down from our invisible bridge to see nothing was there. We gave other peoples benign comments and narrow minded opinions too much power and allowed them to silence us. We filled with the shame and intolerable nature of our existence. We haven’t let in the kind messages, the messages … Continue reading It’s been a while
Tag: shame
On derealisation, depersonalisation and amnesia
TW: mentions abuse and self harm - no descriptions. Our system has felt under threat over the last few months and has gone into defcon 1, high level alert, code red! It thinks it is fighting for our life again and is pulling out all the dissociative weapons at its disposal. This has meant living … Continue reading On derealisation, depersonalisation and amnesia
What we are learning
We have had the privilege to connect with some other systems recently. It has been and continues to be the most wonderful and precious experience for us. For the first time that we can remember there is a real sense of belonging, of being seen and wanting to be seen, of being part of something. … Continue reading What we are learning
When ‘Happy Birthdays’ are more than just ‘Happy’!
Our birthday is not far away and it raises a lot of mixed feelings for us. There is the excitement of celebrations, surprises and seeing friends. But there is so much more to our Birthday than this. There is the resentment of celebrating a day that many of us wished had never happened. Alongside this … Continue reading When ‘Happy Birthdays’ are more than just ‘Happy’!
Sick
TW: Contains brief description of trauma triggers. No one enjoys getting sick. We finally succumbed to COVID last week and have been reflecting on our responses to it. First comes the usual fear and anger towards ourselves. Will we be in trouble? Are we really unwell or just making it up? Are we unwell enough … Continue reading Sick
Life as a hedgehog
Autistic people are often described as having a spiky profile. This refers to our neurodivergent tendency to have great strengths in some areas and deficits in others. These peeks and troughs of functioning, be they related to social skills, self care, academics or anything else, can vary over the course of the day and/or lifetime … Continue reading Life as a hedgehog
Trusting ourselves
We have been scammed twice in the last couple of weeks. The feelings of shame and self loathing this brings up are, naturally, huge. These feelings our compounded however because on both occasions, particularly the first one, we knew something wasn’t quite right, but we went ahead anyway. We are generally cautious with money, we … Continue reading Trusting ourselves
Protecting others
We have been thinking a lot about how much time and effort we put into protecting others. At times this protecting has been literal - we have protected my sister from the abuse we experienced by keeping quiet and complying with our abusers. But, more insidious than this is the way in which we have … Continue reading Protecting others