What we are learning

We have had the privilege to connect with some other systems recently. It has been and continues to be the most wonderful and precious experience for us. For the first time that we can remember there is a real sense of belonging, of being seen and wanting to be seen, of being part of something.

Belonging, that elusive word that has always felt alien, out of reach. We have read about belonging, watched others belong. We’ve done things with others, but never felt truly part of their team, always had a sense of being on the outside, a separateness, a burning sense of shame when there was any praise or celebration of or within the group, in a constant war with the need to flee, to separate.

The ‘self help gurus’ urge us to find our ‘tribe’ and so we have searched high and low for a group of people who are exactly like us. What has surprised us, as we allow ourselves to belong to this group and feel part of its movement, is that, for us, it is not the things we share that help us feel a sense of belonging.

As we have begun to get to know each other and the incredible diversity of skills, interests and approaches of each system, we have realised it is our differences that tie us together, that make us a dynamic force ready to lean into the challenges ahead with positivity and hope.

When we began this journey, we noticed how we tended towards being more formal where others were warm and welcoming and how this contrast allowed us to connect with and express our enthusiastic, buzzy, friendly selves. We noticed how we could be quite rigid in our thinking and how hearing the opinions of others helped us open our minds up to new possibilities. We noticed how wonderful this felt. We noticed that there were so many things that we hadn’t thought of and how being part of this group means that we can combine all of our strengths to help with what we all care deeply about.

These things might seem obvious. But for us it has been a revelation. Like many survivors of complex trauma, we are extremely self reliant. Until now, when working in a group, we have felt the need to protect ourselves, quickly jumping into a defensive place never able to risk really opening our ears, minds and heart.

We don’t know what is different this time. Is it that we are all DID? Is it because there is a sense of urgency and being in this together? We don’t know.

What we are learning is that we don’t need to feel threatened by our differences because they contribute to a whole that is better than anything we could do independently.
This helps us learn about our system, because in just the same way, what we can do when we all work together is far greater than any one part can do alone.